Family Pic 2010

All of my life, I wanted to be a mommy.  To have a precious, little baby to cuddle and kiss.  As a little girl, I would play house with my cousins any chance I could.  I remember a doll house that my cousin Amy had.  I absolutely loved to play pretend family with the gorgeous pink dollhouse.  It had the perfect little furniture and appliances.  There was a mom and dad, a younger child and a baby.  If I’m not mistaken, the baby even had a little high chair.  It was the perfect little make- believe world that I wanted.


At the wise old age of 20, I became a single mommy.  The third day of May will forever be one of my most favorite days. My sweet little 8 pound baby boy made my wish come true.  Oh, how I loved that baby.  He instantly became my best friend.  He was such a great baby in the hospital.  He barely cried.  He ate well, slept well, and already loved his mama.  I couldn’t wait to get him home and continue in the new baby bliss.  We got to leave the hospital around 3:00 pm that afternoon.  My dad drove us home from the hospital very carefully.  I think my mom stared in the backseat at him the whole drive home.  Between the three of us, we introduced him to every room in the house.  Everything that afternoon was just as I had dreamed it would be with a new baby.


Until bedtime.  My precious baby boy started crying and wouldn’t stop.  He wasn’t hungry.  He wasn’t wet.  I tried holding him, rocking him, walking him around, singing to him with no avail.  After a while of my precious boy screaming, I called Nana to the rescue.  In just a matter of minutes she realized the poor guy was having belly issues.  With ease that only a seasoned mother could have, my momma was able to help him feel better.   As happy as I was to have my little one be happy enough to sleep, I was quickly feeling like a failure.  Here it was my first night at home with my new baby, and I could not help him.  I felt useless.  I felt hopeless.  My smart mama new what I was feeling before I could ever say a word.  She reassured my fears and helped me smile.  She’s still good at that.


As the years went by, I met my husband and we added two more precious babies to our family.  My childhood dream came true.  I had the family from the doll house I had loved as a child.  My children are my world.  I know I was called to be their momma.  I know that God gave me his precious children to raise on this earth, and I am so thankful for that blessing. I am forever grateful that he let my childhood dream become my reality.


The one thing that I did not fantasize about as a child, was the hard times of being a mommy.  I never imagined that this would be the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.  The responsibility of making life changing decisions for my children worry me night and day.  Satan likes to amplify all those thoughts of failure.  He likes to remind me of the “what ifs” and “that won’t be good enough”.

Christmas 2016

The past few weeks have been that way for me.  I’ve gone through a season in my life as a mother that I wish beyond reason I had the answers to how to fix it.  My only resolve and light has been to take it to Jesus, and remember my favorite verse.  Jeremiah 29:11. As always, Jesus gave me a song.


Several years ago, Ryan and I were asked to learn a song around Easter.  The song was sung by Brad Paisley and Sara Evans called “New Again”.  This is one of those songs that I have to not think about the meaning when I am singing it, or I would cry the entire time.  The song begins in the voice of Jesus saying “Mother. Do not cry for me.  All of this is exactly how, it’s supposed to be” to which Mary replies “I’m right here. Can you hear my voice? My life, my love, my Lord.  My baby boy”.  The song continues to depict her feelings at the cross when she watched the One God gave to her be called home and her Sons feelings to his mother.  If you are tenderhearted like I am, and have never heard the song, be prepared with some tissue.


I cannot come close to imagining how her heart hurt during that time. She has a front row seat to her son’s execution and she can’t do anything but cry for him.  I know she prayed with all of her might that God would change the situation.  I know she begged to take his place so that he would not have to experience any pain.


I also know that Satan probably made her feel like a failure.  He probably made her feel like it was all her fault.  Maybe if she and Joseph had of done things a little differently, or made a better choice, Jesus would not be on that cross.  Maybe, if she had been able to provide Him a different home.  A different town.  A different country.


I was reminded that Mary never had to worry about homework.  She never worried about what car Jesus would have.  She was never concerned with PTO’s, book clubs, cub scouts, little league sports, or the most popular brand name clothes. She didn’t have to worry about GPA’s, ACT’s, and college applications.  What she had to deal with was so much worse.


Yet, she made it.  When her precious Son, suffered to make all things new again for us, she made it through.  She didn’t hide in her bedroom until it all went away.  She didn’t run to a box of chocolate or a tub of ice cream.  She hit her knees.  She stayed on her knees.  She did the only thing that could help her.  She prayed.


She prayed for comfort.  She prayed for peace.  She prayed for understanding.  She prayed for hope.  And I believe with everything in me that God answered those prayers for her.  She was the ultimate mother.  She was chosen to be the mother of the King.  I know that God would not have chosen her if he planned to not hold her tightly when Jesus was called home.


I was chosen too.  No, I was not chosen to raise Jesus.  But I was chosen to raise three of his precious babies.  I won’t get it right all the time.  I won’t make all the right decisions.  I won’t stop wishing that I could.


I will hit my knees.  I will stop Satan in his tracks and tell him to “GET BEHIND ME”.  I will trust that he will hold me through the hard times just like he held Mary.  I will trust that as long as I am following God’s word that he will lead my children down the path HE has set for them.  I will have peace.  I will have comfort.  I will overcome the sadness and hard times.  I will have hope.


“New Again”

Mother, do not cry for me
All of this is exactly how it’s supposed to be

I’m right here. Can you hear my voice?
My life, my love, my Lord
my baby boy

As they nail me to this tree
Just know the Father waits for me

God how can this be your will?
To have your son and my son killed?

Whatever happens, whatever you see,
Whatever your eyes tell you has become of me
This is not
Not the end
I am making all things new again

I remember when you were born
In that manger where I first held
You in my arms
So many miracles and lives you’ve changed
And this world repays you how?
With all this pain

Whatever happens (Whatever happens)
whatever you see(I don’t wanna see)
Whatever your eyes tell you has become of me
This is not
Not the end
I am making all things new again

Fall 2017

Categories: Blog